And Vijay Says…

If there is one word I could pick to explain the last 18 months of my life – I would choose STRESS . I am sure I won’t be alone in that assessment .

I lost my father , a dog that was practically a son for my wife and me , multiple friends, colleagues and relatives . I haven’t met my clients or my team in person in a long time – nor have I seen my mother , my sister or my mother in law in the last year and a half . We have not traveled anywhere for vacation and so on . And yet, when I am asked if I am burnt out – I can honestly say I am not . I have come close for sure, but have somehow always found a way to find a way to cope .

For what little it is worth, I will explain what has helped me – in the hopes that it might help someone who reads figure out a way to help themselves .

1. I am no longer extra hard on myself

I think losing people who I care for deeply was what started making me rethink my priorities . No one stresses me out more than myself – it has always been the case from my school days . It just took me a very long time to realize it . The good part is that I also don’t need anyone else to help me stop the problem . I can’t say I am fully there – but I forgive myself readily these days if I don’t beat my own expectations . I think I have a greater appreciation now of what I am good at and what I am terrible at – and that helps me have more realistic expectations .

PS: I also switched to more old school phone calls instead of video calls – and I think that is far more enjoyable now than being on camera .

2. I built some time every day for myself

Every day I train Archie, my german shepherd puppy – 4 times a week in a class , and other days by myself .

Unlike in the past where I worried about competition – I don’t actually care anymore whether we will ever compete . Just spending quality time and learning together is all I care for now . And almost every evening I play cards online with friends – where the conversation is ten times more fun than the game . Even if work or some personal issue stresses me out that day – the time with Archie and the card game takes off the edge quickly .

3. Maximized the time spent with my daughter

I missed some quality time when she was little – thanks to relentless focus on my career . That was dumb and I did not realize it then. These last 18 months are the first time where she and I could hang out every day – sharing jokes , debating learnings from history , discussing topics for her college application essay , watching movies together and swimming . Knowing that she will be off to college next year does stress me out a little if I am totally honest 🙂

4. Increased focus on making myself useful to others

All things considered, I really don’t have a lot to complain when I look around . I am grateful for my blessings . Whether it is about writing more checks to help the causes I care about (childhood hunger being one of the top causes ), lending my voice to speak up for those who can’t , switching from just mentoring to actively sponsoring more of my junior colleagues , and so on – I find it more satisfying to spend my time, money and energy a bit more on others than on myself and my immediate family . There is a side benefit – it has certainly improved my empathy

My litmus test 🙂

Right from the time I had to prepare for exams as a kid, I am used to making plans and evaluating my progress against it . That habit has stayed with me through my life at work too. What is usually does is that improvement plans – meant to make life less stressful – usually ends up stressing me out a lot . So now that’s my litmus test on things I do to prevent burnout – I stop immediately if I feel I am only adding fuel to fire .

The latest casualty is reading . I like reading a book in one or two sittings , irrespective of size . Somehow I cannot do that anymore – it takes me sometimes ten sittings to get through 300ish pages these days . It started stressing me out significantly and took away from the enjoyment . So I have taken a break from reading . Strangely , I haven’t stopped buying books – so now I have a pile of books on my shelf that I need to read . I will stop buying when that pile starts stressing me out – which so far has not happened . It’s a strange life 🙂

My paternal grandfather was a professor and an author . His favorite gift to me always used to be a nice pen – a Hero fountain pen . Unfortunately and to his significant disappointment I also have lost all of them as quickly as I got them . In any case, he would often tell me that a good fountain pen is the lone “must have” item for any learned man .

My father also loved pens – Cross pens – ball points – were his favorite . I had a bunch of hand me down cross pens from him – which again I lost fairly quickly . Unlike my grandfather , my dad realized quickly that I don’t value pens as much and stopped giving them to me 🙂

Eventually I got my first job and I wondered if I should get a fancy pen for myself . It didn’t take me more than a minute to decide that would be a waste – and I stuck with cheap ball point pens . My handwriting is pretty horrible – and no pen is capable of making it look good . Easy decision and never had to agonise over it very much .

Some years later, I became an Associate Partner . I never wore a suit – not even a blazer – to work . I still used cheap ball point pens . Did not wear a fancy watch either – and would carry around an old backpack with an SAP logo on it . It didn’t take long for me to be coached by the good people watching out for me that I should “look the part” if I were to be considered for an executive promotion .

Their advice was solid – and I spoke with several people senior to me and they all confirmed this was a big deal and that I should not fight it . I had no intention to fight it either – just that I was too lazy to comply . My family had urged me to work on “the looks” too . The compromise in my mind was that I will switch to looking like an executive the moment I became one . Long story short – not having the right accessories didn’t hurt my chances and I did get that promotion .

Well, I was not going to wear a suit and tie regularly . The backpack was just way too convenient and I couldn’t bring myself to switch to a leather bag either . So that left me with two options to upgrade – Watch and pen . I made the leap and spent some serious $$ getting myself a nice watch and pen each . And then about ten days later, I had a chance to gently move my shirt sleeve to glance at the date on my watch , and sign my name on a contract with my fancy monogrammed pen in a conference room at my client’s office . It felt really good ! That feeling lasted till two hours later when I realized , sitting inside a plane ready to take off , that I had left my pen in that conference room 🙂

So that was that – I didn’t want to buy another nice pen ever again and switched back to the cheap ball points .

I am not exactly sure whether not looking the part conventionally has hurt my career – may be it has – but not sufficiently for me to make an active effort .

Then came a weak moment two years ago where my family convinced me that I needed to upgrade – mostly by making the case along the lines of “age appropriate accessories”. I caved and I got myself a leather bag, a monogrammed pen and a fancy watch . I signed a contract with it in a client conference room again – and then remembered to put the pen back in my pocket . With age comes wisdom – and more value for hard earned money 🙂 .

I even got some lovely compliments on my “taste” from colleagues and clients who actually have good taste in these things unlike me . I was too vain to tell them that my mother in law selected the bag, my wife selected my watch and my daughter selected my pen . Even my mom was impressed that I didn’t complain about wasting money on all these things .

That lasted about six months at best . Along came Covid and that meant no more reason to wear a watch or lug a leather bag on a flight . I honestly don’t know where the watch or the bag are kept today – I am sure it’s safe somewhere in the house but I don’t know where exactly . The fancy pen is my every day pen now for note taking – and I actually like writing with it . It’s certainly not doing anything to make me read any better when I glance at the notes I take – but I like how it feels in my hand when I scribble notes .

I will finish with a short story on “looking the part”. About two years ago, I walked into a meeting a few mins late – wearing jeans and with a backpack over my shoulder . During the lunch break, an older gentleman from Europe walked up to me and offered me this friendly advice “I liked your presentation and I think if you wore formal clothing and got rid of that backpack – you may be able to get promoted to an executive” . I thanked him profusely and told him my wife agreed with him too !

Usually around 20th of December, we take a couple of weeks off and go some place to celebrate the holiday season . By fall of 2020, I was sure that our tradition needs to take a gap year . One idea we had as a consolation prize was to drive up to Flagstaff and enjoy the mountains and the snow for a few days . I stocked up wine and coffee , and had a pile of about a dozen books to read . My daughter – who has been my helper in the kitchen since she was a toddler – and I went around getting all the stuff we need for our culinary adventures . I even had plans to tune up my golf game a bit . For good measure I took a flu vaccine as well 🙂

Then came Christmas Eve . I woke up a bit of a runny nose . That is not unusual when it turns cold in Chandler . By mid morning I started coughing bad . And by night my hands and legs started hurting a bit .

Stupid flu ! That was of course my thought as I went to bed on Xmas eve . There was no way this was Covid . I had been paranoid crazy about masks , distancing and hand washing .

By next morning – I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed . It took about ten seconds in my mind to decide to scrap the special Xmas meal I had planned to cook . For good measure I confined myself to our master bed to minimize the chance of transmitting whatever bug I had to my family .

My wife got me a vicks inhaler and some cough medicine . I decided to wait a day before testing for Covid given it was Xmas day . I figured I could just read a book and pass the day sipping coffee . As I started sipping on the coffee – I knew something was wrong . Took a little bit to realize my brain was confused because there was no aroma ! I could sense the heat and the taste – but no smell . I couldn’t finish the cup and threw it away . I put the inhaler into my nostril and drew a breath – nothing ! I tried running a little bit of Vick’s vaporub under my nose – I could sense the familiar light burn , but no smell . I had completely lost the sense of smell !

I had no fever or headache . Just the coughing and sinus congestion . And a bit after losing my sense of smell , I lost all appetite . Over the next week I would lose ten pounds of weight . But the absolute worst part was the fatigue . I had to dig deep to walk twenty feet to the bathroom !

Next day I got myself tested at our neighborhood urgent care . My wife bought me a extra big cup of some mixed berry smoothie – which became practically my only food for the next few days , delivered every morning .

Just as I thought this can’t get any worse, I started experiencing shortness of breath . This I don’t wish on anyone ! Just turning in my bed to get a bit more comfortable was enough to make me gasp for breath . It’s hard to explain how confusing this feeling is – just turning from one side to the other would make me gasp like I was scaling a steep mountain or something . The strange thing was the pulse oxymeter never showed less than 95 throughout all this .

So while I was convinced I was about to pass out – clinically I wasn’t bad enough to be admitted to a hospital . It was of course a blessing – just that I had no appreciation for how lucky I was while I was experiencing the symptoms .

Couple of days after I tested positive – my wife and daughter both tested positive for Covid as well . No amount of precautions proved sufficient to stop that . Thankfully it didn’t hit them as hard as it hit me .

The fatigue was quite something . I didn’t have the energy to even read a book . Forget the book – I didn’t even want to listen to music . I can’t remember another time in my whole life where I haven’t wanted to do either !

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Little Archie took over as my second blanket during day time . He just put his front half of his body over me as I was on my bed – and he stayed that way till I would ask him to get down . In evenings , Ollie took over the duty of watching over me 🙂

I regained my sense of smell in about 4 days . The cough lasted a good couple of weeks . The body aches lasted only a few days . But the fatigue – it took till the middle of January before I felt I could do normal things . By then I was able to take Archie and Ollie for a mile walk around the neighborhood.

Yesterday I tried to do a longer walk – about 4 miles – and it took me about 19 mins per mile on average . That’s nearly twice the time I used to need pre-Covid . It was a beautiful experience though to get out and enjoy some fresh air after a couple of months . Baby steps for now and I am sure I can be back to a better version of normal soon .

I am not particularly optimistic that people who strongly believe that Covid is trivial and that it is just a minor nuisance are going to change their mind because I shared my experience . I chose to write this in the hopes that at least the folks who know me personally would rethink their stance on Covid once more .

Last but most certainly not the least – I couldn’t have survived this without the love and care of my wife and kiddo . Also a special thanks to a lot of friends and colleagues who checked in electronically and kept my spirits up . Finally – I am so very grateful to my team for keeping everything running so smooth at work . I didn’t have to worry about work at all while recovering .